Self vs. Self

Here I am. I am lost. I am trying to find myself. I am trying to re-gain who I am.

Uncertainty is ever present. Insecurity was my worst enemy.  All my life, I was scared. I was frightened.  I could not find myself in the solace of time. It took me years to figure out what was the real score on life’s mystery and its difference. Still, it remained a mystery I couldn't figure.

Several internal struggles interfered. Mind over heart; Selflessness over selfishness; Job versus career.  Choosing the path of life I would want was really difficult to unleash.  I was afraid of taking the risk. I loved being in the comfort zone. Change was very difficult to manage.  Paradigm shift was taken out of my vocabulary.

I was a scapegoat. Escape was my solace. It was the easiest thing to do but it should never be the case. I hate confrontation. Reality bit me hard.  I felt lonesome. No one ever minds of who or what I am to them. I was just there for comfort whenever they needed me. But whenever I needed them, I never find them. Or should I say, I had the hardest time to find them for I was afraid of what would they say about me. 

I have a complicated life to begin with. I hate dramas. I abhor competition. I dislike comparison. I detest criticism. I hear but I never listen.  I am the usual silent type of girl; however, it does not mean I do not complain. I complain a lot yet no one hears for I only keep those to myself.

I felt all these struggles when I entered my 20+ age. I never thought that life was really unfair. Nevertheless, I have to accept that life is unjust in the first place. I have dark memories of the past. I have regretted several things in life. No one puts to blame except me because I’m the captain of my ship.I followed where the flow leads me.

I lost my zest to study and learn. My ego has almost swallowed me.

I stop believing. I lack the faith. I am hopeless. Now, I am defeated. Pessimism overruled my life. Negativity affected my inner self in general.

At this moment, I don’t know how to start and lead a life filled with optimism.  Depressing as it seems, but, who will bother to help me?

the empty bench @Plaza Cuatel in Puerto Princesa, Palawan